To this day, I’m not quite sure how I made it Five years to the day of Dean’s passing. I truly think I’m still in shock to some degree over the sudden and unexpected loss. I remember thinking at day #3, ugh, how will I get through three weeks, much less three months and good grief, how will I ever manage three years. Then again at day #5. Good grief! Where will I find the strength to get through five weeks, much less five months? Or unimaginably five years.
Now on this day… I’ve arrived… baggage full of Grief and all. Ugh! Five full years since Dean has been gone. The sad part is, it’s not even cause for celebration. Grief is a journey that has no end. ~ It’s a long road to follow in the footsteps of others who have been on this road before me. For tomorrow is another day to endure…one day at a time.
I do believe in so many ways the loss gets harder each year. Everyday….and every other one to follow… is the first day without the loved one you thought would be there in position to help navigate life… and whatever else must follow.
Looking back, the first year is a guided fog surrounded by Love and Grace and family and friends and even pure strangers placed in my path of prelude, who would help prepare me for future circumstances to come. Some of my most surreal and difficult of the darkest days of life would follow. For me, even to this day, only distractions of life’s passions are the way to push on through the heavy load I was about to bear.
The second year, I remember feeling like I was starting to de-fog…only just beginning to grasp and see…and realize the oh so many details of Life that needed my undivided attention. To do piles of Life were stacking up. One crystal clear epiphany was the day I was aware I hadn’t dusted my house in a whole year!
Trauma of the heart places you in survival mode. I’m still there. Forced to tackle the issues at hand. Alone. A sense of the overwhelming unknown takes hold between keeping up life’s appearances, remaining accountable, showing up, from work trips, animal deaths, commuting to another state, dealing with bills, taxes, home repairs, auto issues. The list of Life goes on and waits for noone… and truly tests your very will to keep up and fight.
My sword of life is down. My surrender flag is up. I continue to pray, everyday, for God to keep me in the Light. Put me where you need me as these aren’t my choices, they are only Yours. The chances are slim and I realize I only have two. Light….or Dark! Standing on the brink of an ominous big black hole facing the abyss…where not even light can escape…I choose Light. Stay in the Light. . Lord, keep me in the Light.
The third year…is really rough. My Soul is soul-unsettled. Life gets really difficult. Seeing clearer amid Grief. So many firsts to endure. The TV is on, a magazine or book open, yet listening and watching without focus, so thankful for noise… amid the silence surrounding me…in every step I take.
The Fourth year, life moves fast. I too now enter a realization I am still among the living… while feeling only half alive. Some days my heart is so heavy I only want to fall to the floor and melt away…. giving in to the dark. For so long l fought as a team with my best knight in shining armor at my side. I realize, in these moments I must muster up the courage…and will…and care…and concern… for self. Travel on.
The Fifth year, a vicious cycle. If Dean were here standing at my side, He would still be my best friend, my knight, my husband. Love doesn’t just go away. You don’t just move on. Life doesn’t get shut off. So much Joy gets left behind when an abrupt, unforeseen change throws you spinning out of orbit. Happy then…is Hope now.
Battling every detail at hand without the protection of the one I trusted more than anyone else on the planet…amid pressure to keep up in an altered reality is so very heavy. It feels like accomplishment via punishment. There is no end goal. Not in this game of life…amid grief. There is no road map. No instructions. No amount of time to ensure you’ll get wherever it is you’re going. Just an alternate route you didn’t expect to take.
I navigate my path based on who I was, while trying desperately now to figure out who I am supposed to be. Lost amid Life…simply waiting and looking forward to the final destination.
While traveling, I really try to pack light and keep things simple. Even on work trips, my journey includes two bags; a tote and the smallest crew bag possible. There is no mercy on the line of life… and whatever you bring, it is your responsibility to carry. The more you bring, the more bulk you add, and the more weight you haul.
Believe me, deep down, I’m a bag lady at heart… so trying to minimize the load isn’t always easy. Especially upon the return… after experiencing another one of life’s adventures filled with Grace and gifts of all kinds, spiritual and tangible…like souvenirs to savor the soul.
As with life, deciding what experience to leave behind for any of us, can be challenging. Clearing out closets, to a former job, or even past relationships. What is worth keeping? What can we leave behind?
I know for me, these past five years have been extremely heavy. In my effort to navigate each day through so many losses…I’ve been witness to watching myself carry way more grief than I ever could have imagined. Loss doesn’t come lightly. And when it comes to lightening the load, I’ve realized for me, it will never be possible.
I now know I will always be hauling the biggest weight of all. My heart is truly broken in two. As one part of my heart time travels into the future through each passing trial and tribulation only with God’s guiding Grace… I also pack along the other half of my heart, shattered amid the turmoil of the life I once knew and so dearly miss.
I know in the depth of my Soul…I will always carry extra baggage with me. It will always be way too heavy….and it will always be way bigger than any other bag I travel with…. because this special piece that now travels with me whenever I go, holds my whole heart… and it’s packed with nothing but LOVE.
LOVE truly takes up the most weight of all.
High Five!… to you, Dean Blixt. You have been my most favorite adventure and my most treasured souvenir.
As part of me lives on without you…part of me is only half alive because of you. And only now, as I forever haul the burden of extra baggage of your love in my life, I will guard and hold close this most precious cargo wherever I go, whatever life brings….until the day I reach where you already are.
With each passing day into the next, and as years come and go, my suitcase of Life will remain loaded with Love…ready to lead the way.
And just as I have since that very first day I found out you were gone…I began an excursion I thought too unimaginable to visit. Only thriving by handing off all the extra… to the ‘Big Guy’ above… trusting he will continue to carry me…and my treasures…..all the days of my life.
God Speed!
#MakeYourDashCount